Self-Love

Who taught me to Hate Myself?

I fell out of love with me

When I fell in with you

So consumed in the newness of it

I thought your all could push me through

I guess that’s why they  say we’re too young

We end up losing ourselves before life has even begun

Now I’m picking up the pieces

Trying to treat the symptoms instead of the disease

Putting all my effort into loving everyone but me

Ignoring the diagnosis will leave you open unhappy and hopeless

I guess I always knew what was wrong

I just hoped it was something else

I wanted someone else to fix me

But its something I have to for myself

I don’t know who I am anymore. I had an idea of who I was but I gave it to him and told him to finish molding me. I was too weak to do it myself. I didn’t like what I let him create. Jelousy insecurity inadequacy. But how can I blame him he had his own life to mold. were put on earth to make the best out of one life, not two. He wasnt right, but neither was I. Youd think i learned my lesson ….I tried to do it again… Unintentional of course. But mr. Right wasn’t having that. He put the clay back in my hands and told me to do it myself. I guess it says something about his character. Wise beyond his years. But I can’t talk about him it’ll just bring tears to my eyes and pain to my soul. The best things I ever wrote were inspired by his love. But I fucked that up, I just pray I can fix it. He told me don’t come around until I fix that mess of clay. I want to do it but I get discouraged. I’m surrounded by masterpieces… Who am I to compete? I remember once I came to visit him. He grabbed me tight and I said be careful I’m wearing makeup I don’t want to mess up your white shirt. He asked who I was tryna impress. I said “you”. He said I like u better without it. I learned something that day. I couldn’t control him with my beauty…. I learned later I couldn’t control him at all. He was a man, a real one. The passion was like fireworks. Fireworks are beautiful but if you dont do it right you can blow off a hand or a heart In this case. After we walked away from eachother I tried to convince myself love didn’t exist. That it was all bull shit. How could he not accept my millions of flaws? I was convinced until I woke up the next morning empty. The pain slowly came back though. Each thought one by one… Each memory every word. I kept telling myself it doesn’t exist and he doesn’t love me. I said it over and over again but my brain wasn’t buying it and my heart just laughed. He does love me though, I know it. So much fucking passion. I had never felt anything like that before. It was beautiful. It was never just sex with us. I remember out first kiss. He spent the night and I when we woke we were just laying there. He kept coming closer and closer to my face. And he layed there so close until our lips touched. He kissed me… Again and again. I just layed there as if I was sleep but he knew I wasn’t. I remember the first time he kissed my other lips too, I was high for days. I surrendered to him that night. It was right I knew it was. It wasn’t until later when i forgot what i was worth thats when i lost him. I know he’ll come back though what we have is magnetic. In the mean time I should work on myself. I will give it time, maybe he’ll call just to see how I’m doing. Maybe he’ll be curious. Maybe. I figured I should get to the source of my problem and call my dad. so I did and as expspexted he didn’t answer. I left him a message though maybe he’ll call back. Maybe he’ll call just to see how I’m doing, maybe he’ll be curious. Maybe. I know itll change me if I just talk to him. All he has to do is talk to me. And if he told me he loved me I’d be a knew woman just like that. Yesterday i was walking and I just imagined him walking towered me smiling… I smiled back at him. But he wasn’t there I wish he was real to me. I just want to look at him and sort my face out I want to know what’s from him. He’s half of me. Literally half of me. Life would be Alot smoother if I knew about that half. Maybe if he loved me I wouldn’t need mr.right to love me I’d just want him too.